Lately I've been frustrated by how much time Mark is away from the boys & me. Alone with the kids for three weeks at a time, I'm like a single parent, but without a support system, and it can be a challenge. That frustration led me to flirt with the idea of going back to work. I went so far as to reach out to a potential employer, a great guy I used to work with. After that phone call and plans for an interview, I turned introspective. I made a list of pros and cons of returning to work. The pros were easy - our family would be together again all the time and we'd get to live in Maine.
The cons were a little more difficult, once I thought about what I'd be giving up. Seeing the world through Silas and Levi's eyes and watching them grow up before mine. Being there every morning when they wake, for a morning kiss, hug and snuggle, and being there again at bedtime. Eating every meal with them. Losing our schedule-free time together (we don't even own an alarm clock). Missing out on so many afternoon adventures or our "little days" at home. Observing while they learn new things and figure out how the world works. Being the one to attempt to answer, usually with the help of the internet, all of their many, many questions. Being there when they are hurt, happy, sad or excited. Just being there.
Besides parenting, I have a lot of interests - reading, photography, knitting, spending time outdoors, exercise, growing my own food or at least finding local organic goodness, natural living and healthy eating, to name a few. I don't have a lot of time to pursue these things independently, but I suspect I have a whole lot more time than I would as a working mom. My interests are woven into our life together, just as the boy's interests have become woven into mine. We're learning together all the time - I know more now about so many subjects (space, plumbing and dinosaurs come to mind) than before I had children. I know a lot more about myself and what is truly important now, too.
I once read something by John Holt that stuck with me, he was writing about the importance of finding your life's work - that thing you'd do even if you didn't get paid for it. I'm doing that now. Once I realized that, my decision was an easy one to make. Mark & I will figure out another way to be together. This job won't last forever, these boys are growing more independent every day. But, while they still need their Mama, I'll be here. I know that being a stay at home Mom isn't the right choice for every woman, but for me it is. I'm confident I'll never look back on this time and wish I'd earned a paycheck instead.